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"Are you absolutely sure this couldn't wait until Dr. Haydelmann returns from Sunnydale Acres?" The worried note in Noel Waddlemeyer's voice wasn't so much for fear of Dr. Haydelmann objecting to missing out on research done while he was recuperating from a recent spat of nerves as it was for his own physical safety. The graduate assistant next to him seemed to ponder for a moment.

"No, I think the name of progress demands that I push ahead on this. And since my advisor is, ah, incapacitated at the moment, I figured you'd be the logical replacement. After all, who knows more about the field of quacktrons than the renowned Dr. Waddlemeyer?" The last was said with the worst imitation sincerity that Noel could ever recall hearing.

"Flattery will get you nowhere Mr. Quacker." Noel crossed his arms and did his best to give a discouraging look to the young scientist, in the hope that he could somehow forestall the inevitable. No such luck - Graham Quacker was already lost in his own world, and he hadn't left a forwarding address.

"Funny you should say that, Doc. I knew a girl back in high school who told me the exact same thing. Not to mention many others - big vocabulary, that girl. Artsy type. I wonder whatever happened to her?" As Graham reminisced absentmindedly, he continued coating his car with a large paint roller, dipping it occasionally in one of two foul smelling buckets of goo that stood at his feet.

"Before you get too much farther, ah, decorating your vehicle, could you please provide me a little more detail on what this "revolutionary" new breakthrough is? I don't mind standing in for your advisor, given the circumstances, but I'd like to at least know what I'm looking for."

"Oh, of course, of course. I didn't want to give too much away earlier. This kind of technological marvel could be dangerous in the wrong hands." Graham's attempt to assume a mysterious air was foiled as he accidentally stepped in one of his pails of goo and lurched forward, banging his head against the hood of his car. Noel quickly moved to his side.

"Are you ok, Graham?" Noel asked as he helped the young man to his feet.

Graham glared at his car and then laughed. "Sure thing, Doctor Waddlemeyer. You'd be surprised at how often that happens."

Not really, Noel thought to himself. Although Graham was extremely bright, his penchant for mayhem was well known throughout the physics department, not to mention the fire department. "So what exactly are you doing to your car today, Graham?" Noel glanced over at the compact car, and although he realized it was superstitious nonsense to assign personality traits to inanimate objects, he could swear the car almost had a forlorn look of suffering that seemed to beg, "Shoot me now."

"Ah, this emulsion of charged quacktron particles is the key to my experiment!" Graham beamed as he finished coating the one half of the car, and switched to his second bucket to begin coating the other half. "See, the bucket I used to paint the first half of the car contained quacktron particles with a peculiar and unique charge pattern. This second half," Graham motioned to the side he was currently slopping with his roller, "is being coated with particles that are transitionally linked mirror charges of the first set."

"So aside from creating more business later for the local car wash, what do you hope to accomplish?"

"Say, do you think one of the sororities is having a bikini car wash this weekend? That would just be so cool! I could cruise on up and..."

"The point, Graham?" Noel interrupted.

"Well, I suppose the point would be to get a date or something, but I felt that was pretty obvious from my..."

"I meant the point of the experiment? The one I'm supposedly here to witness and supervise from a liability standpoint?" Noel was starting to wonder how much a weekend in Sunnydale Acres cost these days.

"Oh, of course." Graham seemed to shake off whatever daydream had been possessing him. "You're familiar with the quantum tunneling effect that can be induced by charged quacktrons, correct?"

Noel's mind flashed back to Elizabeth Ardo and the Q-Pit device. His dour expression must have alarmed his young companion. "I assure you, it's not just theoretical!" Graham exclaimed. "I have some very positive early experimental data to support the idea!"

Noel's expression left as quickly as it came. "No, no - sorry to have alarmed you, but I was thinking of something else. I have every confidence in the veracity of the quantum tunneling phenomenon." Noel winced slightly as he finished, but Graham's attention was already focused elsewhere.

"Great then! Now, what I have basically designed here is the ultimate in defensive technology! Any projectile that strikes my car will hit the emulsion layer of charged particles first, and will immediately be "tunneled" to the corresponding oppositely charged particle on the other side of the vehicle! In essence, projectiles will tunnel through the vehicle, coming out on the other side, with no damage done to the car!"

Noel nodded thoughtfully. "Well, it's an interesting concept, in theory, but the variables within the charge distribution would wreak havoc with a clean tunneling process. What were your lab results using single beam particles?"

"Oh, yes... lab results. Well, those are still pending, kind of..."

"Pending? Kind of?" Noel's incredulity was mirrored on his face. No one would be so rash as to attempt this kind of experiment without at least months of laboratory trials on the particle level.

"Well, yes, pending. The micro particle scale is all well and good for, well, the particle scale. I tend to like more dramatic presentations, on a bigger scale."

"I've noticed," Noel muttered sarcastically. "I'm sorry, Graham, but I absolutely can not condone this experiment. I think that your idea has some merit, and with some lab work to back it up, I'm quite sure that in a few months we can arrange for a, ah, more dramatic demonstration."

Graham's face registered his disappointment. "But Doctor Waddlemeyer, I've already got everything set up here today! Look, I just activate this power source to engage the charge fields," Graham paused to flip a switch on a power source that he had apparently scrounged together from spare parts. Instantly, his car was encased in a kind of translucent blue glow. "Now all we have to do is see if projectiles will actually pass through the car! We're so close, we may as well give it a quick try. What could possible happen?"

"You mean aside from an antimatter reaction that would blow the entire city into a different quantum reality?"

Graham laughed easily. "I wish! Come on, let's just give it a quick test. One test and I promise I'll confine my work to the lab for the next three months. At least the next three months," Graham hastily amended seeing the skeptical look on Noel's face.

Despite his better judgment, Noel couldn't help the curiosity that drove all great scientists from welling up inside him. True, doing experiments like this was completely unsafe and should be discouraged at all costs. But at the same time, the glow from the car indicated that there was, in fact, a stable field being generated. Perhaps just a quick test. Noel never really believed much in explosive antimatter reactions, anyways.

"Well, I suppose since you seem to have a stable field generated, the worst we could do is dent your car. But you have to promise me that after this one test you won't conduct any more demonstrations before submitting a full written proposal to me or Dr. Haydelmann in advance."

Graham's face glowed at the early consent, and then fell at the condition. Paperwork. If only he could find a way to nuke paperwork into another quantum reality, then that would be a discovery worth celebrating. But for the moment, the show could go on.

"Ok, Doc, you've got a deal. Now, for an appropriate demonstration." Graham picked up a violin case he had sitting on the ground nearby. Noel assumed a confused expression.

"You're going to launch a violin at your car?"

"Oh, no, of course not." So saying, Graham pulled a heavy automatic rifle out of the violin case and pulled the bolt back. "Nothing like using a real projectile for the test, eh Doc!" Graham leveled the rifle at his car as Noel floundered for a moment at the sheer shock of what was about to transpire.

"Graham, NO!!!" he shouted. Graham lowered his rifle and looked back at the flabbergasted, and rather angry, professor. "Haven't you given any thought to safety?!?" Noel demanded.

"Sure, Doc, the safety is off - this thing is ready to fire!" Seeing that his comment didn't satisfy the glaring scientist, Graham paused to consider. "Oh, you mean our safety! Oh, of course! Sometimes I think it's a wonder I haven't accidentally killed myself yet."

"Or anyone else, for that matter."

"Oh, yes, of course. That would be bad, too. Here you go, Doc, put these on. Safety first, as I always say!"

Noel bemusedly held the safety goggles in his hands. "This isn't exactly what I meant when I said..."

Noel's observation wasn't heard by the graduate student, who had turned back and aimed his rifle at his car. Before any further objections could be lodged, Graham had squeezed the trigger. The roar of the rifle was deafening as it emptied its entire clip towards the small car.

Noel slowly opened his eyes and picked himself up from the ground, where he had dived as soon as Graham had opened fire. He turned a murderous glare upon the reckless student, who was staring with a bemused expression at the smoking wreck that had been his automobile.

"Curious, eh Doc? Look at what happened to the dirt embankment behind the car - it's absolutely shredded! It was if those bullets impacted upon it with almost impossible velocity. There should be no way small arms' fire could cause that amount of damage, unless..." he suddenly looked thoughtful as Noel advanced upon him with a look that promised mayhem. "Of course! The projectiles weren't tunneled, they were quantum accelerated!!! They hit that first particle layer and were accelerated to the speed of light in the direction of the oppositely charged particle!!! Oh, wow!!!! Oh... wow..." The devastation that had been wrought upon the car entered Graham's consciousness for the first time. Noel was standing beside him by this time, so many different angry remarks being formulated in his mind simultaneously that he couldn't get a single one out. They stood in silence for a moment, Noel fuming over what one statement could sum up his anger and Graham dejectedly staring at the smoking shell of his car.

"Graham... I don't even know where to begin. I expect you to be in the dean's office tomorrow morning at 8:00 sharp for some frank discussions over your total disregard for safety and procedure. Do you understand me?"

"Hmmm? Oh, yes, of course. Very bad, won't happen again, more careful in the future. I'll see you at 8:00 tomorrow, Doc, sorry for all the trouble."

Noel forced himself to sigh before the stress headache that was brewing could cause his head to explode. "Do you need a ride home or anything, Graham? Seeing as how the condition of your car leaves you a little bit stranded out here?"

"Hmmm? Oh, no, that's quite all right - my brother works as a mechanic, and I told him to meet me here after work with a tow truck."

"You mean you expected something like this?!?!?"

"Well, no, not exactly - but these things do tend to happen, more often than not. I'm pretty sure I'll have the car patched back together again in a week or two - this isn't nearly as bad as the time it got squashed into a cube."

Noel sighed. This had to be the single most bizarre science department on the planet. His glance happened to fall upon the rifle Graham had dejectedly dropped. He picked it up and eyed it with interest. Graham noticed his sudden scrutiny. "Like it? It's the latest it automatic weapons. My sister works for a defense contractor and let me borrow it."

"What?!? Your sister actually lets you borrow automatic weapons?!?"

"Of course. That way she knows exactly how much damage I'm capable of. When I'm left to improvise, the results are sometimes more... unpredictable."

"You have a very interesting family, Graham."

"I suppose." He sighed again looking at his car. "Sorry again for the trouble, Doctor Waddlemeyer. It was kinda cool, though. I mean, in a bad, never again to be duplicated kind of way," Graham hastened to add and smiled sheepishly.

Noel sighed and turned to go back to his car. "Goodnight, Graham. Please remember to be at the dean's office tomorrow - we really will have to put some limits on these field expeditions of yours."

Graham nodded absent-mindedly as Noel started his car and began to pull away. "Hmmmmm," he mused to himself, "a particle accelerator cannon... interesting... interesting... I'll have to see what parts I have lying around in the basement when I get home..."

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Last modified 28/12/97