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Check and Bait
By Geary Graham
"So, regicide is yer game, is it, guv’nor? Aye, then I be’s the pawn fer you. I’ve done a bit o’ the dirty work in me day, and I’ll be willin’ ta stick old King Gregor fer yer Reverence."
"Excellent, Squire Cubbi." A malevolent grin lit up the face of the wicked Cardinal Syn. Steeped in evil, the Black Bishop, as he was known amongst the Second Estate, had been plotting the death of the good king Gregor ever since his twisted end game had begun. "Soon, Squire Cubbi, with the aid of you and the others allied to his Dark Majesty, King Igthorn, we shall banish the white forces of goodness, and our black evil shall reign supreme across the land. Now go forth with your dagger ready to strike! For our time draws near, and you must be in position for the end game! Let none who oppose you stand, for we can not allow…"
"So are you moving the damn pawn or not?" Graham looked up in annoyance at the voice that had interrupted the machinations of his Black Bishop. Returning his gaze with equal annoyance was Gaipan Duck, president of the St. Canard University Math Club. It was the finals of the annual university chess competition, and this year had produced a re-match of last year’s finalists. Graham, in fact, had won the chess tournament every year since he had enrolled as an undergraduate 7 years ago, a fact which was emblazoned across his shirt with characteristic modesty – "8-0 Chess Finals Record… and Counting." Gaipan had been most displeased by the assumption of an 8th victory. He had been just as annoyed last year, when Graham’s shirt had proclaimed him a seven time champion prior to the match.
In response to the query, Graham slowly stretched himself in his chair. "Very well, Gaipan, if you simply can’t wait to see my next brilliantly crafted move, my tactical triumph, my strategic synergy, then I shall indulge you. My pawn, the black hearted Squire Cubbi, slithers his way," Graham paused to reach out, grab his chess piece, and move him in snake like fashion across the board, "to… um… here."
"Pawn to Bishop Four. Would you please use the proper chess terminology?" Gaipan and Graham got along just fine 50 weeks of the year. In fact, as President of the Physics Club (the Physics department had unanimously turned down his request to change the titles from "President" to "Dictator for Life" and "Physics Club" to "Death Bringing Warlord’s Society for Evil") Graham and Gaipan often worked together on various campus projects. Although Gaipan didn’t always agree with Graham’s methods (Gaipan had been horrified at Graham’s suggestion for a Naked Carwash of Science to help promote interest in the scientific fields), he had to admit that Graham’s stunts did get a lot of attention for the departments. Not all of the attention was good, of course (Gaipan had mentally blocked all memories of last year’s Chili Cook-off, which had actually made the national news with its scope of disaster), but enrollment in the various science departments had risen dramatically since they had assumed a higher profile.
It was the other two weeks of the year that were the rub. Last year had been Gaipan’s first at St. Canard University’s graduate program, and he had gotten a rude awakening to the eccentricities of some of the school’s inhabitants. He had joined the Chess Club upon his arrival, and early on demonstrated his potential to dethrone the reigning champion. As a result, the two weeks prior to the tournament had become an object lesson in psychological warfare. All the science departments took on the characteristics of armed camps in the period leading up to the chess show-down. Two weeks of water balloon ambushes, cream pie hit-and-run incidents, character assassination posters, and even an abortive attempt at a panty raid that ended with Graham wrapped in duck tape suspended from the campus’ central flag pole. Although Graham never did quite manage to explain what that last one had to do with winning the chess tournament… It was all in good fun, of course, but the mild mannered Gaipan had been quite taken aback by all the theatrics. He had still made it to the finals, but had become unnerved by Graham’s constant narration of his chess moves. Last year his pieces had been members of an evil inter-galactic empire, bent on wiping out the last vestiges of the resistance against their corrupt rule. Graham’s chess pieces every year were custom made – he whittled them out of wood himself, to make them resemble the cast of characters he had dreamed up for that year’s match. It had actually become a big part of the spectator attraction, as Graham would narrate a story that would change and flow in accordance with the gains and losses on the board. It was entertaining to watch, but annoying as hell to be playing against.
"Oh, but if I called my moves out by the book, what would you have to complain about, Gaipan?" Graham grinned over at his opponent, who was already surveying the board.
"Don’t worry, I’d think of something." Gaipan had been much better prepared this year. In fact, the Math Club had managed to hijack Graham’s poor car and leave it perched precariously atop the Physics building. The Physics Club had retaliated by flooding the math building with whipped cream, and the battle had been joined.
Graham leaned back in his chair while Gaipan evaluated the ramifications of the pawn’s move. Graham smirked at the concentration level of his opponent. "Oh, and Gaipan, that will be check mate in 18 moves." Gaipan grimaced, but didn’t look up. He had been ready for this. Graham had done the same thing last year, proclaiming check mate in 22 moves. At the time, Gaipan took it as empty boasting – an analysis of the board simply didn’t support the contention. After he had been mated in 22 moves exactly, he had gone over and methodically analyzed the game from the initial proclamation onwards. He had concluded that Graham’s initial contention had been baseless – that he had instead become so rattled that he made the 22 moves into a self-fulfilling prophesy. He had no intention of making the same mistake this year. He tried to tone out Graham’s prattling in the background.
"And this was the victory dance I used 4 years ago when I won this tournament." Graham began demonstrating by waving his arms around while spinning his chair in circles. The red head he was speaking with showed amused interest. Robyn McCabe was the head of the Biology Club, and had lost to Gaipan in the semi-finals. She made the perfect foil to Graham in his schemes, and she had often picked up the gauntlet when Graham challenged other departments to bizarre contests. She had led the Biology Department to victory in the Science Scavenger Hunt, the Catapult of Science Building Contest, and thanks largely to her own participation, the Bikini Carwash Fund Raiser For Science (a compromise on Graham’s original proposal). Graham had never forgiven her for that last one – she had arranged for several biology majors who also happened to be on the school football team to ambush him and keep him locked up for the duration of the Carwash.
"Geez, Graham, remind me if we ever have a Dance Contest of Science never to partner with you. That is the single most pathetic display of random motion I’ve ever seen." Robyn leaned a little closer. "Of course, if you ever want some private dance lessons, I would be happy to help you out…" She gave him a broad, suggestive wink as she trailed off.
Graham had to pause as he fumbled for an appropriate reply. Of course, Robyn was being so friendly because Gaipan had bribed her to help his cause with a little distraction for Graham. After all, if Graham’s chattering constantly during the match was fair, so was a little deviousness of his own. Robyn was only too happy to help, both because she enjoyed fencing with Graham on any occasion and because in addition to the outright bribe Gaipan had forked over, she would be able to hold this over him for a long, long time. Naturally, Graham already knew about the scheming the two of them had hatched, since Robyn’s roommate Gabby, a chemistry major, was one of his informants. The spymasters of the Cold War could learn a thing or two from the intrigue that went on between departments at the university.
"Oh, so NOW you’ll help me out, but when it was time for the Carwash you had your goons sit on me for the entire day! Why, I had saved up for weeks for just such an occasion – it was my idea after all - and then you go and…"
"Graham, it’s your move again." Graham’s tirade on the cosmic injustice that had been perpetrated against him mercifully trailed off as he returned his attention to the chess board. He assumed his "narrator" voice as he once again resumed his story. "The good king Gregor knew the fiend Igthorn was up to something, but what could it be? His own pawns were hopelessly out of position on the battlefield, having been arrayed by his dull and witless field marshal, Gaipan Duck." Gaipan rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything. "The treacherous black squire Cubbi had been positioned in ambush. The castle of the evil Cardinal Syn was positioned to block his escape route. The Black Bishop himself surveyed the scene with malevolent glee as he began to put his vile plan in motion… moving his second castle into position where it could force the hand of the unsuspecting King Gregor… Checkmate in 17 moves."
Gaipan frowned as Graham slid his rook across the board. The move did demand a counter, but move his king? That was clearly the wrong play. But nothing Graham did was ever clear. Could he be using double reverse psychology? Trying to force a mistake by over-compensating for the maneuver? Gaipan looked up from the board suspiciously. Graham had launched into the story of how he had single-handedly defeated some vegetable monster to Robyn, who was smiling politely and nodding having heard the story only about seven hundred times before. Gaipan shook off his misgivings. He would play the pieces, not the player. The correct move was to use his knight for an aggressive defense, and that was what he was going to do.
"… and then I knew the end had come! The horrible broccoli monster advanced upon the helpless crowd, shooting fire from every orifice! Doom was upon the city! Who could stop this unnatural horror! And then…"
"Wait a minute, Graham. Last time I heard this I don’t remember hearing anything about the vegetable monster shooting fire. When did that happen?"
Graham beamed at Robyn. "Ah, I didn’t think you were paying attention! Well, since the broccoli monster didn’t have any orifices, technically what I said was true! Now that I know you’re really paying attention, let me get to the best part – my life saving heroics!"
"Graham, it’s your move again."
"Hmmmm? Oh yes, the chess game. Let me see, where were we… ah yes. The stage was set. Cardinal Syn allowed himself a rare smile. All of his scheming and planning were coming to fruition. The bishop himself would be at hand when he closed the snare on Gregor. So thinking, the evil one positioned himself to where he could best view the coming trap. Right about… here." Graham stopped the bishop a few squares away from the king. "Checkmate in sixteen moves."
In spite of himself, Gaipan frowned. Sixteen moves? Preposterous! Moving the bishop was nonsense. Graham hadn’t even noticed his move of the knight. How could he be so casual? His valuable offensive pieces were now in jeopardy. His pawn was already as good as dead, and his bishop was threatened. His rooks had him contained a bit, but they were not in any threatening position. Graham always was a bit sloppy, but he was going to lose good pieces for no reason at the rate he was going. Gaipan stopped to look over the arrangement again and shrugged. If Graham wanted to gift wrap his pieces, far be it from him to refuse.
"… and then the hideous mutant plucked the screaming police officer up and devoured him whole. And that’s when I got mad…"
"Wait a minute. Devoured him whole? With what? I thought he didn’t have any orifices?"
"Well, yes, not an orifice really, more like an… um… well, thingee. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I fought off an alien invasion using only a toaster and a pen knife?"
"And something else I’ve always wondered, Graham, where exactly did this broccoli monster come from? Hideous mutants? Sounds like one of *your* experiments gone wrong." Robyn was enjoying herself immensely. She had heard this story often enough that she enjoyed poking new holes in it every time it was told.
"Robyn, I’m hurt! Hideous mutants just aren’t my style! In fact, it doesn’t sound like anything that would come out of the physics department – we don’t *do* monsters!" Robyn arched an eyebrow at him and Graham spluttered to amend his statement. "Ok, ok, Frankie does monsters, but then, if *she* had created it don’t you think she’d have taken credit?"
Robyn had to concede that one. "Ok then smart guy, if not your department, whose?"
"Now that’s a good question. I always thought that this sort of science was right up the alley of the biology department, given their propensity for, um, well, biology." Robyn didn’t look convinced – or amused. "But if you want to know what I *really* think, I think it was the plot of a mysterious shadow conspiracy, linking giant corporations, the government, and evil extra-dimensional aliens."
Robyn rolled her eyes. "Oye, again with the shadow conspiracy! Just like they were the ones who added the Guatemalan Death Peppers to your chili last year! Where do you come up with this stuff?"
Graham sniffed defensively. "Well, it *could* have happened that way. You wait – when you’re working in the extra-dimensional slave labor cobalt mines, we’ll see if you still roll your eyes!"
"Your move again, Graham." Actually, it had been his move for some time, but Gaipan had taken the opportunity to get up and stretch his legs while Graham was busy sitting and stretching the truth. Although he didn’t have his endgame in mind yet, Gaipan was feeling more and more confident. The next several moves promised to capture valuable pieces for him, and he was looking forward to being the one to dictate the end of the narrative this year.
"Gaipan! How could you!" Graham feigned deep mourning as he looked over the board. Shaking his head and sighing, he continued to improvise. "Cardinal Syn couldn’t help but feel the slightest pang of regret as he surveyed the corpse of Squire Cubbi. One of Gregor’s knights had found the ignoble squire hiding in ambush along the king’s route, and had promptly skewered him. Still, the Cardinal mused, it was not a serious setback. Squire Cubbi was but one of many surprises the Black Bishop had in store for the noble king. Smiling wickedly at the thought, the Bishop himself entered the game, positioning himself thusly," Graham moved his bishop forward on the grid, "to await his coming triumph. And just in case you had lost count, check mate in fifteen moves."
Gaipan just smiled. The Bishop was toast. His second knight would be able to take it next turn. And Graham had left no defense down his left flank. Soon Gaipan would be able to reclaim his lost queen with one of his pawns. And then what? Graham had engaged in far too many piece swaps to have enough left to launch an effective offense. It would just be a matter of time.
Graham had moved from vegetable monsters to alien invasions. If he followed his usual pattern, he should get to the part where he dueled with the alien warlord armed only with a pen knife. Robyn sighed while focusing all of her will on staying awake. No bribe was worth this, she thought. Maybe aliens would come smashing through the ceiling right about… now. Now… Now… Robyn sighed again. Working in the cobalt mines was starting to look good. She went back to trying to cause an alien invasion through sheer force of will while Graham cheerfully related how he was personally responsible for the current reign of peace prevalent throughout the galaxy.
"Oops, looks like it’s my move again. Hmmmmmm." Graham lowered his head to the level of the board and peered intently at the pieces. "Yes, I think I can make it official. I am so confident of my impending victory, Gaipan, that I will allow you to make my next move for me. Come on, any move. Wouldn’t you just love to get that bishop out of your way? Here’s your chance!"
Gaipan folded his arms across his chest and shook his head. Graham must know he’s beat. He’s trying to talk me into this so he can have some kind of excuse when he loses. Not on his life. Gaipan grinned at his opponent. Chess was never this much fun.
"No? Very well then! I offer the same chance to any one in the room! My victory is so assured, that I will let… hey!!!" Graham darted forward to catch Robyn’s wrist as she plucked up his king and started to slide it one square over.
"Well, you said any one, didn’t you?" Robyn smirked at him.
"Er, well, yes, but I just realized that it would interrupt my narrative flow. I can’t interrupt the story now, can I?"
Robyn gave him her best "I don’t believe a word you’re saying" look before releasing her hold on the king. She considered that a point scored for her side.
"Now where was I? Oh, we’ll move this guy over here. I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting to here the conclusion to my epic space saga, would I?" Before Graham had a chance to continue, a whoop of joy came from his opponent.
"Knight takes bishop! Ha! How do you like that, Graham? All game long I had to listen to you prattle on and on, and now your bishop is toast! Mua-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!" Gaipan was enjoying his moment immensely. It wasn’t every day he got to trump Graham for showmanship, he was going to make sure no one forgot this moment. "You’re practically done already! All you’ve got left is your rooks and one… knight…over… there…"
"Even as his life drained from him, the evil Cardinal was exultant. He spat defiance in the face of the knight who had slain him. For the Cardinal’s dedication to his black king was complete. His sacrifice had drawn the phalanx of knight defenders from the good king Gregor’s side. Even now, his liege lord’s own knight champion was moving to where the king was unprotected, driving him into a final trap from which there would be no escape… Knight to rook’s six. Check. And checkmate in thirteen moves."
Noel and Dr. Haydelmann winced in unison at the cry of anguish that reverberated through the auditorium. Dr. Haydelmann grimaced. "Great, for the next two months this is all I’m going to hear about. It almost makes me long for a good broccoli monster story."
Noel chuckled in sympathy for his fellow professor. "Well, on the bright side, even if he had lost you would have been hearing about it for the next two months, and how the shadow conspiracy was behind it all." Haydelmann harumphed, indicating that he didn’t find much comfort in the thought. Noel looked back to where Graham was even now beginning his ungodly victory dance. Yes, there’s the wild and random flailing of limbs, yes, trying to sweep up Robyn into the dance, and yes - Noel winced – that would leave a bruise. Noel chuckled as Robyn stomped over to the snack table, pretending to be in a much bigger huff than she actually was. Graham was already picking himself up from under the table where she had unceremoniously deposited him while Gaipan was moaning softly and pounding his head into the table. Noel turned back to his colleague. "Graham’s a good player, but he’s not nearly as good as he thinks he is."
Dr. Haydelmann snorted. "That’s true for Graham on just about any subject."
Noel chuckled. "Yes, but I’m surprised at Gaipan. I’ve had the opportunity to speak with him once or twice, and he didn’t seem like the type to become rattled like that. He could have won if he’d just maintained his focus."
"You’ve obviously never sat across from the table playing Graham at anything. It’s like trying to listen to a delicate piano concerto while a hurricane is going on in the next room."
Graham had finished dusting himself off, and noticed the two professors chatting. He sauntered over, unable to keep the big grin from his face. As he approached Dr. Haydelmann, though, he suddenly grew solemn. He bowed low to the doctor from his waist. "I have vanquished our enemies before us, sir, driving them before me and listening to the wails and lamentations of their women and children."
Dr. Haydelmann sighed, having fought this battle, and lost, too many times before to put up any protest to the ritual. "You have served the department well, and brought much glory upon us and yourself. You are the Chosen One."
Graham beamed. "See, Doc? It takes so little to amuse me!" Dr. Haydelmann began rubbing his temples and excused himself to seek out some aspirin.
"Congratulations, Graham. That was… inspired."
Graham shrugged. "Yes, it was, really." He broke out laughing. "Modest as usual, eh? Ah, well, I’m entitled. Gaipan is a much better player than I am. Beating him isn’t easy."
Noel looked surprised. "Better? Than you? Eight time undefeated champion? That doesn’t sound much like you, Graham."
The young student smiled. "No point denying the obvious, Doctor. I watched him play in the preliminaries last year, and I knew he was better. But the race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. He’s pretty easy to rattle, if you push the right buttons. He even helped me out this year, getting Robyn involved. He wound up distracting himself with her more than he distracted me – my entire game plan is focused on distraction."
"Speaking of which, how does the jaw feel?"
Graham rubbed it absentmindedly. "Oh, it’ll be fine. She packs quite a punch. I *told* her to wear steel toed shoes because of the danger posed by my victory dancing. I don’t suppose that telling her what big feet she had helped matters…"
Noel smiled. "No, I suppose not. Although I must admit – I am intrigued by your strategy. You’ll have to give me a demonstration some time."
Graham returned the smile broadly. "No offense, Doc, but a man’s got to know his limitations. I mean, you’re a genius and all, but come on! I don’t think a boring life in the lab has prepared you to take on the likes of me! Er, no offense, of course."
"Oh, none taken." Noel tried to assume the look of false innocence he had seen Graham use so many times before. "But my… boring life… would really appreciate a demonstration. Do you, by any chance, play cards?"
"Are you kidding? I’m only the seven time university champi… hmmmmm." Graham began rubbing his hands together and assumed a sly look. "That is, I’ve played a few games before. Why don’t we head up to your office, and I’ll give it a go with you. Would poker be all right with you?"
"Poker?" Noel looked thoughtful. "I think I remember most of the rules. Perhaps you can give me a little refresher before we start, though."
Graham was practically glowing. "Oh, gladly! I live but to serve! Although, you do know that poker requires a small amount of wagering to really be a fun game. Nothing serious, of course, but just a few bucks here and there."
Noel’s eyes were wide and innocent. "It’s the least I could do, Graham. I wouldn’t mind losing a few dollars for the lesson that’s sure to be taught."
"That’s the spirit! You know, I think you’ll really enjoy this, Doc! A chance to get away from musty old books and experiments and do something a little exciting for a change!"
"You know, I do believe you’re right. I think this will do the both of us a world of good."
Graham smiled as he held the door to the auditorium open. "I’m already looking forward to it!" Noel walked past him, heading towards the Physics’ building while Graham was already envisioning the pizza he was going to buy with his winnings. He snapped back to reality as he saw how far ahead of him Noel already was. "Oh, and Doc!" Graham called as his long strides caught him up. He gave Noel his most predatory smile. "Don’t go easy on me, ok?"
Noel returned the smile with a wolfish one of his own. "Don’t worry. I won’t."
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