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Out To Lunch
by Geary Graham
Sasha stirred her bowl of soup contemplatively as she scanned the page in front of her. She always liked this particular table, since it was tucked away in the back corner of the school cafeteria and as such didn't see much traffic. It gave her a chance to read over her notes while she ate. She had always previously been able to eat her lunch off in a corner of the lab, but they had started being very strict about enforcing the "no food" policy in the labs ever since Graham had brought in a giant bowl of his home made chili for the Physics department. He neglected to mention that the reason he had brought it in for the department was that even he was terrified to test this particular recipe of his, and his advisor had spent a week in the infirmary as a result of Graham's distilled pepper essence.
Sasha's mechanical stirring of her soup slowed as she reached the part in her notes that was bothering her. Something was just out of focus in the equation she was looking at. The mathematical relationships seemed to be out of balance by a factor of... she couldn't quite put her finger on it. The answer was hovering just beyond her conscious mind. The stirring stopped altogether. "If the oscillation of the particles varies according to their position in the matrix, then this exponent right here should be a..."
"Hiya, Sasha!!! Say, what are you mumbling about?" Graham flopped into the chair across from her and began to peer across the table at her notes.
"Oh... drat. Um, hello, Graham, I was just looking at some formulas from earlier." Sasha hastily gathered her papers and put them into the top of her bookbag. "I was, you know, just trying to find some quiet place to think when you..."
"Ah, thinking, the past time of smart people! I thought about taking it up once, but it didn't really agree with me. You might say I thought about thinking! Hey, that's pretty good, if I do say so myself! Say, mind if I join you?"
"Well, no, I guess. I just didn't see you come in, and was thinking that maybe I should be..."
"Didn't see me come in? I thought the new lab safety manuals told all personnel to be aware of when I enter a room and to note all fire exists upon my arrival. Heh - I inserted that one into the manual myself!"
Sasha wasn't quite sure how to explain the look of pride beaming from his face. "Well, I'm sure that's a very good precaution." Graham was all right, she supposed, but he made her nervous. Then again, Graham made everyone nervous. Especially people who valued their lives.
"It was a joke, Sasha! Geez, I'm just kidding with you! Say, have you blown anything up yet today?"
Following Graham's trains of thought was hard to do when the trains were constantly being derailed, Sasha thought to herself. "Um, no, actually, I haven't. Um... have you?" Sasha thought it would only be polite to ask.
"Nope, consarnit! I'm starting to get all tense over it, too. But the day is still young, I suppose. Haven't you ever dreamed about blowing up the entire world?" Graham didn't even blink as yet another train went over the ravine in his head to crash somewhere down below.
"Well, no, I haven't, actually. I'm not really trying to blow up anything."
"Ah, that's Sasha! Always modest to a fault! Although I've got to warn you, some of my best explosions came when I wasn't trying, either! Everyone wishes they could blow up the world, and you'll probably beat us all to it..." Graham trailed off, as he seemed to ponder. The idea that not everyone would consider blowing up the world a good thing had obviously never occurred to him. "You know, if you could generate enough anti-matter in a stable shell, and then you suddenly collapsed the containment field... interesting..."
Sasha looked up in alarm. "You aren't really thinking about trying something like that, are you?"
"Oh, no, no - of course not. At least, not until my lunar base is operational..." Graham watched as Sasha's eyes widened. "Oh, c'mon, Sasha! I'm kidding, kidding! Boy, for someone so bright, you sure are easy to yank the old chain on..."
Sasha blushed and looked down to study her napkin. She wasn't sure what made her blush more - the compliment or the comment about yanking her chain. Graham didn't seem to notice, as he kept right on talking about antimatter and the potentials for cosmic mayhem. As usual, he changed boats in mid-stream. "And so, if you accept the theory that oppositely charged particles are somehow linked... say, I just remembered something. What did you say you were working on again?"
Sasha looked up from counting the number of specks in the Formica table top. "I didn't. That is, nothing important. Just a few theories on some things. I'm sure you wouldn't be interested."
"Ah, but that's where you're wrong! For I asked for a reason! I was just reading this article on grad school, and did you know that in grad school you're supposed to steal the work of everyone around you? If it's in a magazine, it must be true!"
Sasha paused to consider. "Well, if you're just trying to steal my stuff, why on earth would I tell you what I've been working on?"
"Hey, good point! Guess you got me there! So do you want to know what I'm working on?"
"Thanks, but I already know what you're working on - trying to blow up the world." Sasha managed a slight smile.
Graham practically jumped out of his seat. "Ah-ha!!! I knew you had been looking at my notes!!! So what else have you seen, you fiend?!?!" Graham faltered in his tirade and began laughing even before he could finish his condemnation.
"Well, Graham, I could tell you what else I've seen, but then I'd have to kill you." Sasha was finding her tolerance for Graham was going up as she took him less seriously.
"Kudos to you, Sasha!" Graham practically beamed at her. "Good come back!" His attention was suddenly drawn by something on Sasha's cafeteria tray. "Say, have you fought any horrible vegetable monsters recently? Like we did that one other time?" Graham reached over and snagged a piece of broccoli from her tray, and held it upright on the table. He suddenly assumed a voice one octave higher than his normal tone.
"Hear me, puny mortals!" Graham moved the broccoli back and forth as if it were talking in what had to be one of the worst ventriloquist acts of all time. "I am the very model of the ultimate vegetable warrior! I have powers neither animal nor mineral! I will stalk you to the ends of the earth, and I will never leaf you alone!"
Graham suddenly drew back and lowered his voice an octave. "That's what you think, you big bag of boiled blossoms!"
"By the great artichoke, it can't be!" The bizarre ventriloquist act continued.
"Yes, it is I, the eternal graduate student! I have grown to enormous size by gorging myself on donuts bought with federal grant money! Gastronomical, cosmic powers, itty-bitty office space!!! Your vegetable powers mean nothing to me - grad students fear no vegetables!!! Hasta la colander, baby!"
"Oh, for the love of cheese sauce, no!!! No!!!!"
With an expression straight out of an old B movie horror classic, Graham lunged forward and bit the head off the hapless broccoli stalk. He swooned backwards in his chair and put the back of his hand to his forehead in a look of mock distress. "Oh, the vegetation!" he cried in lamentation for the dispatched broccoli.
Sasha had watched the bizarre tableau with a mix of surprise and horror, but the finale was too much for her, and she began to laugh. She quickly covered her mouth with her napkin, but the damage had been done.
"Ah-ha!" cried Graham. "Frankie bet me five bucks I couldn't make you laugh - I win again!!!" He began doing a little jig that was almost as bad as his ventriloquism.
Sasha's eyes fell. "Oh, so you were just over here on a bet. I see."
Graham stopped his jig and rolled his eyes. "Yeesh, Sasha, don't be so self conscious. That was just an excuse to come pester you. And a way to one up Frankie." He smirked at her, and the goofy expression made her laugh again. "You really ought to start coming by some of the department socials, you know. Not everyone in the department is as deranged as I am."
"Well, I'll think about it. But I'm awfully busy, you know."
"Aw, we all are. Next Thursday. At the department conference room. Be there. Oh, yes, the theme for the night is "Come Naked or Don't Come At All" so do be sure to show up in the buff." He laughed as Sasha turned bright red. "Just kidding! Yeesh, you take all the fun out of it." He gave her a good natured wink. "Well, I'd better go hit the vending machines for something to eat before lunch is over - I tried bringing in some of my leftover nachos, but the brown paper bag didn't hold up very well... I'll catch you around!" He waved to her as her got up and headed for the door.
Well, Sasha thought to herself, I guess there's no such thing as a normal day around this department. Now, what was wrong with that equation again...
You like this? Drop ol' Geary a note and tell him to write more of anything :)
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Last modified 18/04/98